Bridging the gap of Uncertainty

As I'm sitting here, typing this, I admit to myself- depression has gotten to me. Its like everyone is at fault and nothing is right anymore. I tried food, it doesn't work. I tried smiling and laughing..urgh..it wasn't very successful either. What I really need now is a good night's rest. But you know what? Even my body is bailing out and wakes me up at least once every night.

A tired mind makes a grumpy me. Cranky and really touchy. But of course, why should I expect anyone to understand that? Everyone has got their own problem and I'm just another person, going loco as time pass.

I'm afraid. I fear for the time that i will push everyone in my life away. Its definitely coming. I can feel it. No matter how I try to smile and laugh when there's company, that horrible feeling is always at the back of my mind, waiting for me to be alone and then POUNCE!

It's like screaming into the wind. Makes you even more tired and frustrated because no one gets it. All I want is a shoulder to lean on and a pair of arms to hugg me and tell me that its okayh to feel like this once in awhile. I know I shouldn't even think of expecting this from anybody but is that too much to ask?

At work I'm expected to be at the top of my job. With a golden opportunity so near I can almost taste it, I HAVE to be the best. LA CREME. I often tell myself not to get my hopes up, just in case. But its hard when you want this so bad. So so bad. And at home, I feel like I'm disappointing people. I do.

How to be sane like this? I tried concentrating on the happy moments. Remember how to kill a boggart? Happy thoughts. Its just that the evil ones keep creeping in. A momentary distraction is all that it takes to shatter the temporary bliss that I conjure. If I manage to that is.

OMG. This is depressing. I need to stop this.

Actually, I'm feeling better. All this ranting and venting. It actually helps.

Thanks..
ainin